Wordy Wordy Num Nums – word verification

Dear Numnuts,

A very smart person commented on my toe-dipping into the world of Blog, with the suggestion that we should find out more about the “give way” sign at the bottom of each post – The Word Verification. Obviously my first reaction was ….the word what???

It was only after returning to the site to add a comment to someone else’s work that I noticed this annoying little feature. What is it for? Who put it there? Why is it so? Is there a glass and a half of full cream dairy milk in each 200 gram block? I would have to investigate.

If you type this into a search engine, you will come up with thousands of articles on the subject. When you go to log a comment on any of these, it asks for word verification. And if, like me, you have difficulty deciphering the combination of letters and numbers, you won’t be able to leave that comment, ask that question, or do anything productive for the next six minutes because you have to wipe the spit off the screen for all of the cursing that you have done because of the damn word verification…

So I called another very smart person who knows about such things, and asked for a brief explanation.

This person (let’s call him “Frank No Pants”) explained the concept to me. Unfortunately I couldn’t understand very much of it as I was bored within 25 seconds and starting to think about how much beer was in the fridge. What I can remember roughly translates like this;

Word verification is called CAPTCHA and is designed by people with glasses and Star Wars t-shirts to try to prove that they are smarter than computers. People in X Files t-shirts with poor social skills (called Hackers) have already figured this out so it is pointless.  So if the human user gets the code wrong they cannot progress to say what they wanted to say and this decision is made by a computer which generated the scribble in the first place…and so it goes around. The Star Wars t-shirt people are constantly trying to outsmart the X Files t-shirt people, who probably live in the same filthy unit as each other and in the meantime neither has a real girlfriend. Apparently you don’t need word verification to get to porn on the internet.

Frank No Pants was not helpful really, but he gave me the email of a local guy who writes these things. The correspondence went as follows;

Darcy Barkers - Can you explain why you make these codes?

CAPTCHA Nerd – To mess with your head..

So that only told me that half of these guys were kids that grew up cutting letters out of the newspapers and creating  messages with them, while the others become kidnappers and magazine editors.

Now I have labored long and hard over this word verification issue, and come to the conclusion that it is here to stay so I’m going to have to adapt, evolve, and learn how to read them. Thankfully for you, dear Numnuts, I have trained myself to do this, and you can too by following these simple steps;

1.       When confronted with a word verification window, go to the kitchen and get a bottle of Wild Turkey
2.       Drink two double shots and put on some loud music, preferably The Doors
3.       Take a permanent marker and inhale the fumes gently up the left nostril, while carefully pouring another Wild Turkey with your right hand
4.       Toss down the third shot and try to put the lid on the marker with one hand. This will give the Wild Turkey enough time to work
5.       After you drop the marker on the floor the second time, slowly haul yourself up to the level of the desk and lay your head on said desk approximately 45 cm from the screen
6.       Stare at the screen for 15 seconds without blinking and the word verification code will start to become clear.

      7.  Type the code in as required. If you get it wrong, return to step 2 

Note: If you start seeing little purple goblins dancing around the edge of the computer screen, you have probably left the lid off the marker too long, or forgotten to blink.

I have found that it is easier to have a friend assist with the typing in of the code as this will stop you developing a serious drinking problem.

So there you have it – word verification explained and solved for all of us.

 I will finish by saying that if half way through reading this little story of mine you paused, typed word verification into the search engine of your web browser, and started trying to find out the background to this test, then get up now and put on a Star Wars T-shirt, eat some cold pizza for breakfast and let some fresh air into your room…you deserve it.

Now it is done, an I tell you fer why….

DB