Job Seeking 101

Dear Numnuts,

Life moves on...sometimes when you least expect that it is ready to move. When these things happen we react accordingly.

I recently had that "unexpected movement feeling", not the sort that you normally get after eating a dodgy kebab at 2.00am in the morning. It was the "didn't see that coming, so grab your chattels and get outta Dodge" type. This kind of situation can arise out of nowhere but in my case it was a combination of timing, the declining US dollar, and a certain individual with no pants.

The Probation Period scenario may have some people living like a goldfish in a blender waiting for the "on' button to be pressed, but not usually me. In fact I was only vaguely aware it existed.

The US dollar on the other hand was world news, even out where we were at Camp Spider Monkey (named not because there was a colony of Spider Monkeys living there, but because the Chef in Charge's head looked like a Spider Monkey...no matter which end of the Spider Monkey was facing you at the time). So, with the green-back worth just over two flat rocks and a stick there was a need to balance out the downturn in business by injecting more cash into the coffers. This, of course, comes from deciding to not pay wages by removing employees from the payroll.

The third component was a little more unusual, although for me not unexpected. My illustrious colleague, Frank No Pants, had decided that Camp Spider Monkey...with it's pristine location and serenity...would be the perfect location to start pagan worshiping rituals. For Frank No Pants that required the following ingredients;

• a large stainless steel bucket
• a listing of the sunset times
• a large slotted spoon
• a goat
• a short white apron
• two rolls of duct tape
• a hamster

Prior to organizing the last item I thought it was mostly harmless as he had always wanted to join a Masonic lodge. But the inclusion of the Hamster, which he immediately named Amy Winehouse (even though it was male) made me confront him for an explanation. His initial response was that he lived in a free and democratic society, and even though he had only ever written 'shite' on the ballot paper this still entitled him to a voters freedoms, and that he shouldn't be discriminated against on religious or sexual preference grounds. When I asked what sexual had to do with any of this he quickly tried to change the subject ("look .. there's a naked backpacker behind you") and piss bolted through the camp, clutching the bucket which contained the spoon, the duct tape, and Amy Winehouse. As he was my responsibility, being manager of Guest Activities - Other, I had to chase him.

We may not have attracted as much attention if he hadn't been screaming "Whoop Whoop Camel-toe" as he ran straight through the Over 35's Come As You Are Yoga session...twice. Finally I caught him in the sand dunes with a diving spear tackle, and with the on-looking crowd looking both disgusted and intrigued, I restrained him in what would be referred to in wrestling terms as "the Referee's Position".

 As unfair as it seems now that it has all been explained, the combination of that position, the sand dunes, and that he wasn't called Frank No Pants for nothing, may have been the deciding factor in the management's decision to terminate my contract within the Probationary period with the explanation that we were "not the right fit" for this resort. And Frank No Pants, smirking and giggling as he asked the GM if he would try him in another position to see if that fit better, didn't help.

So, several months older and hopefully better for the experience, it was time to move on and see what else was going on in the world. The best way to do this was to move back to the familiar surrounds of Porpoise Spit where Frank No Pants has a friend who apparently requires someone to house sit. I am thinking this is not true as the occupants of the house are known to me, and under no circumstances would they approve of Frank being inside their house in a time of desperation, let alone while they are on a 4 week cruise to Fiji. Also we would have been left a key to get into the house, not a garden spade which apparently "had been specifically designed for opening the kitchen window". Well, there is some food and a plentiful supply of alcohol in the fridge of the next door neighbour...again I need to question that at some stage.

Unlike Frank No Pants, it has been a very long time since I have referred to myself as Unemployed. This is unfamiliar territory to me so I have had to make some enquiries to how the hell this works. As with most activities requiring research, I enlisted Frank No Pants to investigate this

Being unemployed presents many challenges to most people, but to the experienced campaigner such as myself it is a process that needs to be followed. It is not so much how am I going to get another job, rather it is opportunity to explore how many people you can draw into the experience of not being successful at getting any sort of job. The initial response from well meaning friends and family is to suggest approaching local businesses, look at training opportunities for re-skilling and updating your resume. What I suggest is to start with a visit to Centerlink and see if you can frustrate the clerk to the point of needing a ten minute smoke break despite the fact that they don't smoke. 

Start by filling out only half of the first page of the enrolment form, and when they enquire why you had stopped advise them that you had forgotten that you were illiterate, so you had to stop. They cannot discriminate against illiterate people so they will have to fill the rest of the form in for you. Preparation is the key, the next two pages need to have had the juices of the # 33 combination seafood noodle with extra fish paste leaked all over them...4 days before. Be sure not to remove any chunky pieces as that adds to the artistic finish. Once the Clerk has gagged his way through filling those pages out he comes to the final page, which you have taken the time to cover every sentence with correction tape because you heard that the last page might need to left blank. He has now spent a great deal of time filling out the manual form you have bought in, and is so frustrated that he starts filling out another form despite deep down in his subconscious knowing that it should all be done online. Then, in a display of incredible efficiency, you application process has suddenly been finished and you are instructed to go to the nearest employment agency...and any further questions can be answered online THERE IS NO NEED TO COME BACK INTO THIS BUILDING!! subtle notes on you file will state that payments should proceed without question because it is a small price to pay to avoid having to deal with this client.

The next stop is one of the many Government accredited Employment Agencies. The link between the politicians (Government) and the Unemployed is defined by their common interest in lying. One does it most of the day on the couch, the other most of the day in Parliament. My personal favorite is Mission Employment, and the way to introduce yourself to them is to walk into the offices and ask in a very loud voice "Is this Missionary Employment?" Again, an unfortunate, and definitely not-paid-enough-to-deal-with-your-crap clerk will politely ask if she can help you with a "welcome to Mission Employment". Follow this up again in the loud voice with "Do you have any positions?" By now everyone in the building has your full and undivided attention. The very helpful and slightly naive clerk (they always send then to greet the 'special' customers) may then follow up with something like "yes, would you like to see some?". Finish the session off in full Monty Python mode with (loudly) "yes please, can we start with the Missionary Positions....."

Quickly pretend to answer your mobile phone (set on vibrate....doesn't everyone keep theirs on vibrate in their front pocket?) and say "Coming Dear.." and leave the building before a security person is summoned...

At this point I have decided to stop following the rest of Frank's advice while there are still some employment agencies that I am able to enter. Unfortunately this comes after taking some advice off him on how to get a job online.

 He put me onto a local "Job specialist" forum as he called it and they were known for their openings, where enquiries led me to talk to a lovely Filipino lady (with a strangely deep voice) named Maxi. Very plush reception area, and when I said I was looking for a job she told me they start at Fifty Dollars. I said that was ridiculous, and that I've never had to pay for a job before to which she replied "I highly doubt that, sugar, just by looking at you..." It was around about this time I realized that I may not be in a employment agency, although it made sense being located in an industrial area. I left, without a job and also somewhere to work. In case I misjudged the situation, their website is www.bigboysdocry.edu.au .

Once again I hope my experiences are in some way helpful in your endeavors to get a job, or gainful employment.

And so it is, and I tell you fer why.

DB