The Working Class Man - whoa whoa whoo

Dear Numnuts,

Temptation is a double edged sword.

This profound statement came home to roost last week, like the proverbial over-sized turkey raised by chickens to think it was pigeon ("It's ok dear, you're just a bit different than the other pigeons, and that's why you are special to us....and your mother was a crack whore").
 

The whole identity confusion amongst farm birds is not uncommon as turkeys were often convinced that they were pigeons in order to reduce the stress of the upcoming Thanksgiving/Christmas period. Studies on the effectiveness of this approach were funded briefly at the Clustrefuche Institute for Non-Human Behavior, but was withdrawn when the administrators realized that the long term psychological impact on the turkeys could not be measured as none of the participants made it past the Thanksgiving/Christmas period. In order to retain their funding they continued their work on Parking inspectors.

But back to the tumultuous events of last week.

For the past few weeks I had found an increasing level of comfort in being unemployed, and the temptation was to continue in this state of limbo indefinitely. The continuing cycle of inactivity and procrastination was no longer a vicious circle, but more like one of the more memorable rides at Pissweak World. Certainly not at the level of the Captain Underpants' Escape Hatch, but definitely above Wheelie Bins of Fire Dodgem Derby.

The concerns I had about being a burden on society and non-contributor to the community had been tempered slightly after watching a local current affairs story about the neighboring suburb of Angler's Crutch.  Highlighted was the alarming figure of 65% unemployment amongst Males between the ages of 25 and 45. This was counter-balanced with the statistics showing that this same 65% were very satisfied with their daily lives and had lower levels of stress than the rest of the community. As a footnote to this, another study on health and dietary habits in Angler's Crutch said that 65% of males between the ages of 25 and 45 regularly have beer for breakfast.

So it was in this cloud of blissful ignorance that I ventured out to the local shopping center several evenings ago, armed with a very brief, yet oddly disturbing shopping list for my colleague Frank No Pants. He had asked me to get a large jar of Fish Oil capsules, a 48 pack of toilet paper, and the latest edition of Furry Feckers, a "Lifestyle" magazine. It is only now that I write this that I an realizing there was a reason he sent me.

With the items in hand, and a loaf of bread as an impulse buy, I proceeded to the checkout only to be told that I had no money in my spending's card account. This was the second most embarrassing thing to happen that night. The first was the price check announcement by the lovely "Emalli" which boomed across the whole store 'Price check for Furry Feckers monthly with bonus sealed section'.

The "no money" aspect of being unemployed suddenly made it a far less comfortable state of being, and strangely had slipped both of our minds. The reality was that we need to get back into the workforce......and fast. And the 'We' part of the statement alluded to another conversation that Frank No Pants and I had to have which can be summed up with his closing argument "but if I'm not here all day who's going to harvest my crops, feed my zoo creations, keep my gnomes busy and find all of those hidden objects and gather the clues to solve the mysterys..." and mine "Not working is the Third of the two options on offer...".

And there were jobs available, we had just chosen not to take them. Numerous excuses were always offered. Mine included "I don't have transport so I won't be able to get out of bed" and" I cannot operate heavy machinery this week because of the medication I intend buying in the park this evening". Frank had the less credible comments such as "Feck me, I'm not cleaning that up!" and "I don't wear beige on Fridays".

So, a call was made, and two positions were offered despite Frank's insistence that he would like to demonstrate at least 4 positions. We were to start at the local aged care facility as cleaners, a position we primarily secured by saying we were handymen....as in handy because we lived three doors down. I had no experience in this field, as being a management figure I was only responsible for creating mess and clutter, not cleaning it up.


Frank No Pants, on the other hand, claimed to have had extensive experience dealing with bodily fluids, soiled areas and door handles. I refused the temptation to ask more questions, although I believe it may have something to do with his education at a boarding school. I was in his hands (gloved), and we picked up our daily check lists and worked through the morning.

At the time of writing we were still employed in these positions and as each day progressed I believe I can proudly say I have learned some new skills. An avid reader had posed a question recently, asking how do you actually clean the iconic Australian Dunny, (or toilet for those of you overseas) and that was partly the reason for this blog entry.


 

"Dear DB, Now that you are officially (It's on Centrelink) unemployed, I reckon you might have a few spare moments to contemplate the bigger questions of life. It's a dilemma that's troubled me for some time, and I feel only you may have the answer. So, here's my question. How do you professionally clean a dunny? It's no longer that hole in the ground dinkum-dunny or that tin-can balanced precariously between two planks. No, it's a wizz-bang-flushable new thingy. Oh, and it's not to be confused with a bidet. Any suggestions? Zak."

And my response;

"Dear Zac, You nearly threw me with the bidet because I don't know what that it. Frank tells me it's a European Teeth brushing sink so I'm off with my toothbrush to try it out. This obviously needs more investigation...and may also be the subject of a childrens book. I'll get back to you during the week.. PS just tried the bidet....leaves a nutty taste in your mouth DB"

So with this information, and the fact that Frank No Pants was in charge of training me to clean the above mentioned Dunny, I will document the standard operating procedure that I have to follow, as written below; 

Water Closet Cleaning and Sanitizing

Author - Frank No Pants 2011

Assemble the equipment required

• Mop
• Bucket
• Scrubbing brush (referred to as a scrubber)
• Long straws
• Plastic water bottle
• Hospital Grade disinfectant
• Bubble Bath
• Toilet Closed for cleaning signage (see below)



Toilet closed for cleaning

• Personal Protective Equipment (PPE)
 

Safety First

• Once all equipment is assembled, apporoach the toilet area with caution. Remember, no innapropriate behaviour in a strangers toilet area.

• Check for spiders

• Before beginning the cleaning process, fill the water bottle with a sample of the water in the toilet bowl. This is to be tightly sealed and placed in the Supervisors mini fridge with the other water bottles for quality testing.

• Add an unmeasured amount of the hospital grade disinfectant to the toilet bowl. To check the correct amount has been added, take a long straw and sip a small amount out of the bowl. If you feel a shortness of breath and cough twice, the quantity is correct.

• Using the mop, agitate the water in the bowl until the entire toilet has been rinsed. Mop the surrounding area because someone had just been in and splashed water all over the floor. This mop and bucket should be retained to mop the staff kitchenette.

• Scrub the seat of the toilet with the scrubber. Once finished present an offering to the patron saint of public toilets, George Michaels, by going outside the toilet block and chanting "I've made that Scrubber on the Toilet Seat my bitch"

• Finally pour a generous amount of bubble bath into the top of the water cistern. This helps with the sanitizing of the toilet and makes the user feel better about what they have just had to deposit

• Repeat this process for each toilet

Frank assures me this is the latest approach to toilet hygiene and is an industry standard.

And so my friend, I think with this new skillset my future employment is secure. In fact, to make sure I'm going to make time to let the supervisor know that it's me, not Frank, that has been putting the water bottles in his fridge. I want the credit for doing such a consciencious job because I don't think anyone else is doing it.

Good help is hard to find, isn't it.

And so, I tell yer fer why

DB