Dear Numnuts,
Let me just say straight up that I know nothing about Lawyers or the legal system, which means the following blog is about educating both of us. I apologize if any of the information is not accurate or up to date, but I have researched the topic the best way I can with my usual sources. For further information on why I would attempt this, best you read my introductory article from a few weeks ago.
It seems that we all need legal representation at some stage, and are constantly reminded of this. But what sort of lawyer do you need? Do you really need one, or like exploratory bowel surgery, can you just do it yourself? Do solicitors spend their time soliciting, and does that mean they are similar to prostitutes? They must be covered by the same employment award as the pay rates are similar. Do Barristers hang out in bars, or on stairs? Does a Queens council represent anyone, or just Drag Artists? How many of them are named Sue and can sing a Johnny Cash song?
I have a contact called Demented Kitty who will probably provide full and comprehensive answers to the questions posed, but until then we refer back to our source, Frank No Pants. He was very eager to help out, and although he spoke very quickly (mumbling something about trying something on for size) I was able to learn the following;
Legal representatives are a part of everyday life in the modern age. You are told to “get a lawyer”, “talk to my lawyer”, and “you’ll hear from my lawyer”. Therefore it can be concluded that Lawyers are like Arses – everyone has one and tends to talk through them when they want to sound important. To understand the role of today’s modern Lawyer you need to watch a lot of TV. Therefore all legal representatives are intelligent, attractive, well spoken Sociopaths who work 25 hours a day, have dysfunctional families who they regularly have to represent, and wear nice shoes.
Legal representatives work for large and small companies, and sometimes open their own businesses called Practices. With lots of time spent practicing, they will eventually have a Firm, and the more associates that help them will eventually give them a Large Firm with a massive name and a large pleasure boat (although they still have small feet). A lot of them wear suits, file suits, and all talk about a girl they once knew called Sue.
So now we have some idea what lawyer are, and feel a lot more comfortable talking about them. But do we have enough of them? If we all need one, do we have to make sure we have one close at all times? More research was needed into how many Lawyers there are, and what were the government doing about controlling their numbers. Do we need to bring more in to the country?
Under the FOI act, and via Wikileaks, Frank No Pants has provided me with details of a plan that was devised to ensure Lawyers did not go the way of the Cane Toads and Rabbits if they were selectively introduced into the natural habitat, and the effects of a population explosion.
The Clusterfuche Project
A social experiment was set up on a remote property in North Eastern Victoria to test how a large group of Lawyers in a controlled environment would affect the environment. This was set up under the cover story of shooting a documentary for SBS, but was actually a government contract to address the potential spread of introduced species. The Clusterfuche Project (as it was known) placed 200 Lawyers, Solicitors, Barristers, and Conveyance Specialists in a large climate controlled Perspex dome for 12 months and their interactions were observed.
Needless to say, the Boffins observing were forced to abandon the project after two months, as the subjects were yet to decide how they were going to survive, and had taken injunctions out against each other so that no further discussions could be held on the subject. Although all food and amenities were provided, the participants were deteriorating to the point that they were openly stating that they were learning a lot from reality TV, and that Justin Bieber was a musical genius.
In response, the Boffins decided to ask them to abandon the site. The lawyers dutifully refused as they believed they were contractually bound to see the project through to completion, or at least until the next season of Jersey Shore had been shown with Justin Bieber making a guest appearance. The Boffins then had no other option but to limit their primary coping instincts, and therefore degenerating their cerebral cortex, by cutting off the life support and driving them out.
This did not take long, but not before irreparable damage had been done to the participants, who all left singing “Good Ol’ Collingwood Forever”.
The only positive outcome from the failed project was a children’s book written by one of the Boffins early in the project called “Jack, Spot, and Sue the Vet”. Here is an excerpt.
See Jack Run
See Spot Run
Jack Sees Sue
Sue Sees Spot
Spot Bites Sue
Run Spot Run
Sue Gives Spot a Shot
Jack Sues Sue
And so on.
So, once again Frank No Pants has shone a dim light on a shadowy subject, and we are all the better for it. I will update this article with any corrections from Demented Kitty, if of course there is any need for corrections.
And so, I tell yer fer why
DB
