The Working Class Man - whoa whoa whoo

Dear Numnuts,

Temptation is a double edged sword.

This profound statement came home to roost last week, like the proverbial over-sized turkey raised by chickens to think it was pigeon ("It's ok dear, you're just a bit different than the other pigeons, and that's why you are special to us....and your mother was a crack whore").
 

The whole identity confusion amongst farm birds is not uncommon as turkeys were often convinced that they were pigeons in order to reduce the stress of the upcoming Thanksgiving/Christmas period. Studies on the effectiveness of this approach were funded briefly at the Clustrefuche Institute for Non-Human Behavior, but was withdrawn when the administrators realized that the long term psychological impact on the turkeys could not be measured as none of the participants made it past the Thanksgiving/Christmas period. In order to retain their funding they continued their work on Parking inspectors.

But back to the tumultuous events of last week.

For the past few weeks I had found an increasing level of comfort in being unemployed, and the temptation was to continue in this state of limbo indefinitely. The continuing cycle of inactivity and procrastination was no longer a vicious circle, but more like one of the more memorable rides at Pissweak World. Certainly not at the level of the Captain Underpants' Escape Hatch, but definitely above Wheelie Bins of Fire Dodgem Derby.

The concerns I had about being a burden on society and non-contributor to the community had been tempered slightly after watching a local current affairs story about the neighboring suburb of Angler's Crutch.  Highlighted was the alarming figure of 65% unemployment amongst Males between the ages of 25 and 45. This was counter-balanced with the statistics showing that this same 65% were very satisfied with their daily lives and had lower levels of stress than the rest of the community. As a footnote to this, another study on health and dietary habits in Angler's Crutch said that 65% of males between the ages of 25 and 45 regularly have beer for breakfast.

So it was in this cloud of blissful ignorance that I ventured out to the local shopping center several evenings ago, armed with a very brief, yet oddly disturbing shopping list for my colleague Frank No Pants. He had asked me to get a large jar of Fish Oil capsules, a 48 pack of toilet paper, and the latest edition of Furry Feckers, a "Lifestyle" magazine. It is only now that I write this that I an realizing there was a reason he sent me.

With the items in hand, and a loaf of bread as an impulse buy, I proceeded to the checkout only to be told that I had no money in my spending's card account. This was the second most embarrassing thing to happen that night. The first was the price check announcement by the lovely "Emalli" which boomed across the whole store 'Price check for Furry Feckers monthly with bonus sealed section'.

The "no money" aspect of being unemployed suddenly made it a far less comfortable state of being, and strangely had slipped both of our minds. The reality was that we need to get back into the workforce......and fast. And the 'We' part of the statement alluded to another conversation that Frank No Pants and I had to have which can be summed up with his closing argument "but if I'm not here all day who's going to harvest my crops, feed my zoo creations, keep my gnomes busy and find all of those hidden objects and gather the clues to solve the mysterys..." and mine "Not working is the Third of the two options on offer...".

And there were jobs available, we had just chosen not to take them. Numerous excuses were always offered. Mine included "I don't have transport so I won't be able to get out of bed" and" I cannot operate heavy machinery this week because of the medication I intend buying in the park this evening". Frank had the less credible comments such as "Feck me, I'm not cleaning that up!" and "I don't wear beige on Fridays".

So, a call was made, and two positions were offered despite Frank's insistence that he would like to demonstrate at least 4 positions. We were to start at the local aged care facility as cleaners, a position we primarily secured by saying we were handymen....as in handy because we lived three doors down. I had no experience in this field, as being a management figure I was only responsible for creating mess and clutter, not cleaning it up.


Frank No Pants, on the other hand, claimed to have had extensive experience dealing with bodily fluids, soiled areas and door handles. I refused the temptation to ask more questions, although I believe it may have something to do with his education at a boarding school. I was in his hands (gloved), and we picked up our daily check lists and worked through the morning.

At the time of writing we were still employed in these positions and as each day progressed I believe I can proudly say I have learned some new skills. An avid reader had posed a question recently, asking how do you actually clean the iconic Australian Dunny, (or toilet for those of you overseas) and that was partly the reason for this blog entry.


 

"Dear DB, Now that you are officially (It's on Centrelink) unemployed, I reckon you might have a few spare moments to contemplate the bigger questions of life. It's a dilemma that's troubled me for some time, and I feel only you may have the answer. So, here's my question. How do you professionally clean a dunny? It's no longer that hole in the ground dinkum-dunny or that tin-can balanced precariously between two planks. No, it's a wizz-bang-flushable new thingy. Oh, and it's not to be confused with a bidet. Any suggestions? Zak."

And my response;

"Dear Zac, You nearly threw me with the bidet because I don't know what that it. Frank tells me it's a European Teeth brushing sink so I'm off with my toothbrush to try it out. This obviously needs more investigation...and may also be the subject of a childrens book. I'll get back to you during the week.. PS just tried the bidet....leaves a nutty taste in your mouth DB"

So with this information, and the fact that Frank No Pants was in charge of training me to clean the above mentioned Dunny, I will document the standard operating procedure that I have to follow, as written below; 

Water Closet Cleaning and Sanitizing

Author - Frank No Pants 2011

Assemble the equipment required

• Mop
• Bucket
• Scrubbing brush (referred to as a scrubber)
• Long straws
• Plastic water bottle
• Hospital Grade disinfectant
• Bubble Bath
• Toilet Closed for cleaning signage (see below)



Toilet closed for cleaning

• Personal Protective Equipment (PPE)
 

Safety First

• Once all equipment is assembled, apporoach the toilet area with caution. Remember, no innapropriate behaviour in a strangers toilet area.

• Check for spiders

• Before beginning the cleaning process, fill the water bottle with a sample of the water in the toilet bowl. This is to be tightly sealed and placed in the Supervisors mini fridge with the other water bottles for quality testing.

• Add an unmeasured amount of the hospital grade disinfectant to the toilet bowl. To check the correct amount has been added, take a long straw and sip a small amount out of the bowl. If you feel a shortness of breath and cough twice, the quantity is correct.

• Using the mop, agitate the water in the bowl until the entire toilet has been rinsed. Mop the surrounding area because someone had just been in and splashed water all over the floor. This mop and bucket should be retained to mop the staff kitchenette.

• Scrub the seat of the toilet with the scrubber. Once finished present an offering to the patron saint of public toilets, George Michaels, by going outside the toilet block and chanting "I've made that Scrubber on the Toilet Seat my bitch"

• Finally pour a generous amount of bubble bath into the top of the water cistern. This helps with the sanitizing of the toilet and makes the user feel better about what they have just had to deposit

• Repeat this process for each toilet

Frank assures me this is the latest approach to toilet hygiene and is an industry standard.

And so my friend, I think with this new skillset my future employment is secure. In fact, to make sure I'm going to make time to let the supervisor know that it's me, not Frank, that has been putting the water bottles in his fridge. I want the credit for doing such a consciencious job because I don't think anyone else is doing it.

Good help is hard to find, isn't it.

And so, I tell yer fer why

DB

Job Seeking 101

Dear Numnuts,

Life moves on...sometimes when you least expect that it is ready to move. When these things happen we react accordingly.

I recently had that "unexpected movement feeling", not the sort that you normally get after eating a dodgy kebab at 2.00am in the morning. It was the "didn't see that coming, so grab your chattels and get outta Dodge" type. This kind of situation can arise out of nowhere but in my case it was a combination of timing, the declining US dollar, and a certain individual with no pants.

The Probation Period scenario may have some people living like a goldfish in a blender waiting for the "on' button to be pressed, but not usually me. In fact I was only vaguely aware it existed.

The US dollar on the other hand was world news, even out where we were at Camp Spider Monkey (named not because there was a colony of Spider Monkeys living there, but because the Chef in Charge's head looked like a Spider Monkey...no matter which end of the Spider Monkey was facing you at the time). So, with the green-back worth just over two flat rocks and a stick there was a need to balance out the downturn in business by injecting more cash into the coffers. This, of course, comes from deciding to not pay wages by removing employees from the payroll.

The third component was a little more unusual, although for me not unexpected. My illustrious colleague, Frank No Pants, had decided that Camp Spider Monkey...with it's pristine location and serenity...would be the perfect location to start pagan worshiping rituals. For Frank No Pants that required the following ingredients;

• a large stainless steel bucket
• a listing of the sunset times
• a large slotted spoon
• a goat
• a short white apron
• two rolls of duct tape
• a hamster

Prior to organizing the last item I thought it was mostly harmless as he had always wanted to join a Masonic lodge. But the inclusion of the Hamster, which he immediately named Amy Winehouse (even though it was male) made me confront him for an explanation. His initial response was that he lived in a free and democratic society, and even though he had only ever written 'shite' on the ballot paper this still entitled him to a voters freedoms, and that he shouldn't be discriminated against on religious or sexual preference grounds. When I asked what sexual had to do with any of this he quickly tried to change the subject ("look .. there's a naked backpacker behind you") and piss bolted through the camp, clutching the bucket which contained the spoon, the duct tape, and Amy Winehouse. As he was my responsibility, being manager of Guest Activities - Other, I had to chase him.

We may not have attracted as much attention if he hadn't been screaming "Whoop Whoop Camel-toe" as he ran straight through the Over 35's Come As You Are Yoga session...twice. Finally I caught him in the sand dunes with a diving spear tackle, and with the on-looking crowd looking both disgusted and intrigued, I restrained him in what would be referred to in wrestling terms as "the Referee's Position".

 As unfair as it seems now that it has all been explained, the combination of that position, the sand dunes, and that he wasn't called Frank No Pants for nothing, may have been the deciding factor in the management's decision to terminate my contract within the Probationary period with the explanation that we were "not the right fit" for this resort. And Frank No Pants, smirking and giggling as he asked the GM if he would try him in another position to see if that fit better, didn't help.

So, several months older and hopefully better for the experience, it was time to move on and see what else was going on in the world. The best way to do this was to move back to the familiar surrounds of Porpoise Spit where Frank No Pants has a friend who apparently requires someone to house sit. I am thinking this is not true as the occupants of the house are known to me, and under no circumstances would they approve of Frank being inside their house in a time of desperation, let alone while they are on a 4 week cruise to Fiji. Also we would have been left a key to get into the house, not a garden spade which apparently "had been specifically designed for opening the kitchen window". Well, there is some food and a plentiful supply of alcohol in the fridge of the next door neighbour...again I need to question that at some stage.

Unlike Frank No Pants, it has been a very long time since I have referred to myself as Unemployed. This is unfamiliar territory to me so I have had to make some enquiries to how the hell this works. As with most activities requiring research, I enlisted Frank No Pants to investigate this

Being unemployed presents many challenges to most people, but to the experienced campaigner such as myself it is a process that needs to be followed. It is not so much how am I going to get another job, rather it is opportunity to explore how many people you can draw into the experience of not being successful at getting any sort of job. The initial response from well meaning friends and family is to suggest approaching local businesses, look at training opportunities for re-skilling and updating your resume. What I suggest is to start with a visit to Centerlink and see if you can frustrate the clerk to the point of needing a ten minute smoke break despite the fact that they don't smoke. 

Start by filling out only half of the first page of the enrolment form, and when they enquire why you had stopped advise them that you had forgotten that you were illiterate, so you had to stop. They cannot discriminate against illiterate people so they will have to fill the rest of the form in for you. Preparation is the key, the next two pages need to have had the juices of the # 33 combination seafood noodle with extra fish paste leaked all over them...4 days before. Be sure not to remove any chunky pieces as that adds to the artistic finish. Once the Clerk has gagged his way through filling those pages out he comes to the final page, which you have taken the time to cover every sentence with correction tape because you heard that the last page might need to left blank. He has now spent a great deal of time filling out the manual form you have bought in, and is so frustrated that he starts filling out another form despite deep down in his subconscious knowing that it should all be done online. Then, in a display of incredible efficiency, you application process has suddenly been finished and you are instructed to go to the nearest employment agency...and any further questions can be answered online THERE IS NO NEED TO COME BACK INTO THIS BUILDING!! subtle notes on you file will state that payments should proceed without question because it is a small price to pay to avoid having to deal with this client.

The next stop is one of the many Government accredited Employment Agencies. The link between the politicians (Government) and the Unemployed is defined by their common interest in lying. One does it most of the day on the couch, the other most of the day in Parliament. My personal favorite is Mission Employment, and the way to introduce yourself to them is to walk into the offices and ask in a very loud voice "Is this Missionary Employment?" Again, an unfortunate, and definitely not-paid-enough-to-deal-with-your-crap clerk will politely ask if she can help you with a "welcome to Mission Employment". Follow this up again in the loud voice with "Do you have any positions?" By now everyone in the building has your full and undivided attention. The very helpful and slightly naive clerk (they always send then to greet the 'special' customers) may then follow up with something like "yes, would you like to see some?". Finish the session off in full Monty Python mode with (loudly) "yes please, can we start with the Missionary Positions....."

Quickly pretend to answer your mobile phone (set on vibrate....doesn't everyone keep theirs on vibrate in their front pocket?) and say "Coming Dear.." and leave the building before a security person is summoned...

At this point I have decided to stop following the rest of Frank's advice while there are still some employment agencies that I am able to enter. Unfortunately this comes after taking some advice off him on how to get a job online.

 He put me onto a local "Job specialist" forum as he called it and they were known for their openings, where enquiries led me to talk to a lovely Filipino lady (with a strangely deep voice) named Maxi. Very plush reception area, and when I said I was looking for a job she told me they start at Fifty Dollars. I said that was ridiculous, and that I've never had to pay for a job before to which she replied "I highly doubt that, sugar, just by looking at you..." It was around about this time I realized that I may not be in a employment agency, although it made sense being located in an industrial area. I left, without a job and also somewhere to work. In case I misjudged the situation, their website is www.bigboysdocry.edu.au .

Once again I hope my experiences are in some way helpful in your endeavors to get a job, or gainful employment.

And so it is, and I tell you fer why.

DB