A Right Royal Monarchy

Dear Numnuts

The question of the day came from avid reader Jenny, who asks;

"Why do the monarchists think it is okay to modernize the laws of succession for the royal family. Yet when it comes to being a republic they say "if it isn't broken don't fix it" Laws of succession aren't broken, they are as old fashioned as the royal family. Why are we fixing them?"

So much anger!!! I didn't understand very much of that so I needed to break it down to basics and do research...

In light of the Queen's visit to Australia this week, the topic of The Royal Family has been suggested to me as a subject to be investigated. Brilliant, I thought! I dearly need to know more about these people, why they are who they are, and what that means to the average Australian in this day and age.

When I entered that question into the WikiQuickie web search engine, the response was

"So, You are asking why the Royal Family is a Freak Show?"

I wasn't really expecting that answer. When I typed "information about the Queen", I found lengthy entries relating to Freddie Mercury, his band, George Street in Kings Cross, and an address at 28 Breadsticks St, Porpoise Spit. Clearly there are sections of the internet world with their minds on other things regarding this subject. But this is not helping me! I need to get back to the basics. Why do we have a Royal Family?

Is it because we need more scandalous public figures to laugh at? No, seems to be no shortage of those...

Do we watch their exploits and the odd "Annus Horribillis", relieved that that isn't happening to us? Maybe

Are they needed to sell magazines? Yes, and no...there seems to be plenty of fodder out there for the tabloid publications but there is a need for their specific target market. Without the Royals and associated sideshows, many Probus Club members would have to go home from their meetings with a copy of Mother Trucker's Monthly, which will feature a story about someone's "Anus HillBillius" instead.

The most popular response seems to be this - we have a royal family because we are too apathetic to do anything about it. They are like that tree root that has grown up into the lawn, just there to be hit by the mower, but you can't be bothered digging it all up and re-turf the place again. And like a good Fig Tree, there are probably more indiscriminate roots in unexpected places once you start to dig around.

So the Queen and Prince Philly Cheese stay with us, visiting occasionally, seeing people in Hospitals, visiting Schools, and going for long slow walks through flower festivals. Really they are just like a couple of old pensioners who travel the country spending the kids inheritance, and drop in every so often to say "Hi".

Do they act as other pensioners in their '80's do? Make meatloaf out of dog food, (what's good for beast is good for Man, Auntie Mavis used to say), spend long hours on the throne (similar!), and be supported by the Government of the day with subsidized travel!!

 Surely it's not that simple!

These people are revered, chased around by lunatics with long lenses, and paparazzi...There had to be more to this..

Eventually I had to give in and ask my esteemed colleague, Frank No Pants - a Royal watcher from way back - to shed some light on a Dark Ages subject. 

Frank No Pants 

Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away from reality, lived a remarkably unremarkable Royal Family. Notable for their inbreeding, and their penchant for all things English including funny pompous hats, small ridiculous dogs that look like kit bags with teeth, and gin, this royal family was idolised by throngs of equally imbred subjects that enjoyed nothing better than a Public Holiday where they could eat cholesterol laden meals, prepared with love at the local chip shop, by a man, who looks like a woman, trying to look like a man, and failing in both departments. These dishes would be skillfully and traditionally prepared, ensuring that minimal cigarette ash fell into the newspaper as the lard soaked produce was lovingly packaged. 

Dressed in the ceremonial Union Jack print garments, they would hop the bus back from the High Street to their council flat where they would share the feast with like minded friends and family in front of the Television.

The more affluent would enjoy a weak pot of tea between them which tasted like cat urine, as only the most affluent could convince a cat to live there, let alone pee in a teapot shaped like Prince Charles's head

(Note - the Prince Charles Teapot, with the large ears that act as handles is favoured by the general royalist over the Prince Harry Novelty Teapot, which features a giant arse in which you insert the handle, and the tea pours out an unremarkable spout on the opposite side. This is reported to be a replica of the handle Prince Charles made and used at Timbertop, although Derrilyn Argeparcel from Anitques Roadshow disputes that stating "that the handle, like Prince Harry, does not resemble anything produced by Prince Charles...")

 

The British love their Royal Family, and just like the Americans they insist that it they love it, then the rest of the world must love it. The Queen needs her guard changed regularly, and this is done by a number of large men water buffalo lodge hats who don't smile. The theory is that like the Queen Mother, as she gets older and the Gin takes over, she will need a number of large of men to change other things regularly, and that's certainly nothing to smile about...

The Queen's husband is a prince, and her son is a prince, and her daughter is a princess. It seems that you have to distance yourself quite a bit from them before you can be a Lady.

Lords and ladies are together, Dukes and Duchesses are also together, and the occasional Duchess has a Footman...or someone who sucks on their toes. A Duchess is not necessarily Dutch, even though a few have reportedly been quite good authorities on dykes.

The Queen has subjects, all of whom live in the United Kingdom, even though there isn't a King. Protocol decrees it cannot be called a Queendom as this may give the wrong impression, and there is officially only room for one Queen. It seems this rule of names applies in certain circumstances elsewhere as well. For example, an Apple is from an Apple tree, a pear is from a pear tree, and a Earl is from a country......sorry my phone was ringing....Estate.

The Queen also speaks on behalf of her husband as he tends to upset everyone when he talks, and she also speaks on behalf of the subjects. This is necessary as most who live in council flats eating soggy chips can't be understood when they open their mouths and have a tendency to only say "Ee by goom..chooky chooky".

 And the Queen loves Horses.....that pretty much sums them up!

So there we have it, the Royal Family explained...

I know what you are about to say - What a lot of rubbish...

Pensioners haven't been feeding their Grandchildren meatloaf made out of Dog Food all these years! I don't wish to upset those on you that have grown up believing meatloaf was good unless being served as pre-match entertainment at a major sports event, but the truth is undeniable. Pensioners are in their prime when they have a wet runny nose, and are wearing a shiny coat.

Frank No Pants also tells me that as a consultant for the Clustrefuch Institute, he has seen a study that 8 out of 10 Geriatricians advised that Elderly pensioners would be eaten by their pet Guinea Pigs if they didn't feed this type of meatloaf to their grandchildren at least once a month. He noted that it took a while to find 8 doctors who would say that, but they got there eventually. 

I'm sure there was a question to be answered at some stage....Oh well

And so, I tell yer fer why

DB

Virtual Proctology 101 - The Facebook Enema

Dear Numnuts,

Over the past week I have had several kind readers contact me and ask “Why the Semi-Qualified Proctologist?” They then go on to say that I owe them money; I should do something creative with my time, and for all of our sake increase your medication.

So why do I consider myself a Semi-Qualified Proctologist?

Well, when you have dealt with as many arseholes over the past 25 years as I have, you would have to be at least Semi-Qualified. My friends and relatives with medical backgrounds will be divided to whether this is a serious issue that needs to be reported to a government authority of some sort, or whether he is just being “like that” again and what good would a government agency do anyway (for crap sake we work for one, we should know)….and so on.

In order to give some credibility to my claim let me present the following essay;

The Facebook Enema – Keeping Your Friends Close, And Your Enemas Closer

There are times when we peruse through the pages of a social network site like Facebook and wonder out loud “What the hell is wrong with these people?” Why do I need to know that they feel like a sandwich? Since when is it important to know why I am at the shopping centre, how many pairs of socks I just bought, and why I now regret going to the shopping centre in the first place because I didn’t really need the socks at all and now I can’t afford to buy the marshmallows I have just seen in another aisle and cannot possibly go another minute without telling everyone I know how much I need them….Enough!

A purging of the source of this material is sometimes in order, or what I call The Facebook Enema. Take a moderate dose of reality and think “How many of these people would I be happy to stand next to as they said these things” and “How many of these people would I be tempted to fake a major need for toilet, just to get away from when they drone on about these things”.

Those that fall into the second category may need to be removed, so boldly remove them from the virtual friends you subscribe to. This is the only enema known to be successful by blocking.

I felt that I needed to know more about the psychology of making virtual friendships with people who annoy you in real life, but suddenly become necessary in the on-line community. I consulted an expert in this field, Frank No Pants, and with a moderate size glass of Wild turkey at the ready; I have learned the following.

The need to engage with vast numbers of people that you barely know via the internet is a primitive one, and directly related to the obsession we have had with the shiny objects in the night sky. This combination of Astrology and Astronomy is called Astrologonomy, or Star-gawking. Although this may sound like nonsense, it encompasses why we desire to look at the stars, be with the stars, take candid photos of them on their holidays and sell them to magazines, and all the time wonder about how much time we spend obsessing over them. This is the Time/Space continuum.

The planets are largely to blame for the way Virtual friends behave on Facebook. Put simply, Bars are from Mars, Jupiter is a casino on the Gold Coast, and Saturn provides high quality bed linen for major retail outlets so therefore most status updates on Facebook come from Uranus.

Scientists from The Clusterfuche Institute in North Eastern Victoria are currently working on the origin of the self-actualization derived from posting such pointless updates, and it’s correlation to the orbit of the 13^th planet Clymaxo Minor. After several years of telling themselves that they knew what they were doing with the heavenly bodies, these scientists stumbled onto this one afternoon by mistake during a game of Spin the Test Tube.

 The discovery of Clymaxo Minor gave them an enormous feeling of self importance for several minutes before the euphoria passed and they all felt like taking a nap. The same feeling of self importance is obtained when you tell all of your virtual friends that your eye hurt when you stuck your finger into it, and they “like“ it. The person now feels good about regularly doing boring things, which leads to self actualization. Therefore they don’t have to get a real life.

So once again Frank No Pants has been able to take what is essentially one of the more difficult questions facing today’s generation, and simplify it. I will now post on Facebook how happy I am about learning this, and how I wish I had a Mars Bar right now.

And so, I tell yer fer why.

DB