Virtual Proctology 101 - The Facebook Enema

Dear Numnuts,

Over the past week I have had several kind readers contact me and ask “Why the Semi-Qualified Proctologist?” They then go on to say that I owe them money; I should do something creative with my time, and for all of our sake increase your medication.

So why do I consider myself a Semi-Qualified Proctologist?

Well, when you have dealt with as many arseholes over the past 25 years as I have, you would have to be at least Semi-Qualified. My friends and relatives with medical backgrounds will be divided to whether this is a serious issue that needs to be reported to a government authority of some sort, or whether he is just being “like that” again and what good would a government agency do anyway (for crap sake we work for one, we should know)….and so on.

In order to give some credibility to my claim let me present the following essay;

The Facebook Enema – Keeping Your Friends Close, And Your Enemas Closer

There are times when we peruse through the pages of a social network site like Facebook and wonder out loud “What the hell is wrong with these people?” Why do I need to know that they feel like a sandwich? Since when is it important to know why I am at the shopping centre, how many pairs of socks I just bought, and why I now regret going to the shopping centre in the first place because I didn’t really need the socks at all and now I can’t afford to buy the marshmallows I have just seen in another aisle and cannot possibly go another minute without telling everyone I know how much I need them….Enough!

A purging of the source of this material is sometimes in order, or what I call The Facebook Enema. Take a moderate dose of reality and think “How many of these people would I be happy to stand next to as they said these things” and “How many of these people would I be tempted to fake a major need for toilet, just to get away from when they drone on about these things”.

Those that fall into the second category may need to be removed, so boldly remove them from the virtual friends you subscribe to. This is the only enema known to be successful by blocking.

I felt that I needed to know more about the psychology of making virtual friendships with people who annoy you in real life, but suddenly become necessary in the on-line community. I consulted an expert in this field, Frank No Pants, and with a moderate size glass of Wild turkey at the ready; I have learned the following.

The need to engage with vast numbers of people that you barely know via the internet is a primitive one, and directly related to the obsession we have had with the shiny objects in the night sky. This combination of Astrology and Astronomy is called Astrologonomy, or Star-gawking. Although this may sound like nonsense, it encompasses why we desire to look at the stars, be with the stars, take candid photos of them on their holidays and sell them to magazines, and all the time wonder about how much time we spend obsessing over them. This is the Time/Space continuum.

The planets are largely to blame for the way Virtual friends behave on Facebook. Put simply, Bars are from Mars, Jupiter is a casino on the Gold Coast, and Saturn provides high quality bed linen for major retail outlets so therefore most status updates on Facebook come from Uranus.

Scientists from The Clusterfuche Institute in North Eastern Victoria are currently working on the origin of the self-actualization derived from posting such pointless updates, and it’s correlation to the orbit of the 13^th planet Clymaxo Minor. After several years of telling themselves that they knew what they were doing with the heavenly bodies, these scientists stumbled onto this one afternoon by mistake during a game of Spin the Test Tube.

 The discovery of Clymaxo Minor gave them an enormous feeling of self importance for several minutes before the euphoria passed and they all felt like taking a nap. The same feeling of self importance is obtained when you tell all of your virtual friends that your eye hurt when you stuck your finger into it, and they “like“ it. The person now feels good about regularly doing boring things, which leads to self actualization. Therefore they don’t have to get a real life.

So once again Frank No Pants has been able to take what is essentially one of the more difficult questions facing today’s generation, and simplify it. I will now post on Facebook how happy I am about learning this, and how I wish I had a Mars Bar right now.

And so, I tell yer fer why.

DB