Generation Text -Text Talk

 or Txtng abt mi gnr8shun

Blogging is like most bodily functions in that if you don’t do it for a while one of two things may happen. One is that you may become blocked, like a proverbial pipe and when it finally clears it’s enough to make your eyes water and you promise yourself never to do that again...or secondly if you don’t use it, you may lose it, or at least lose  the proper use for it. This makes people immediately think that I’m talking of the need to buy magazines from that section of the newsagency that you don’t go to unless you have a specific need. I do go there, as I find word puzzles and Sudoku books exercise the mind and keeps it sharp. That is what we were talking about....wasn’t it.

Anywhoo, I digress from the job at hand which is the latest entry for the Semi-Qualified Proctologist in which I, with the help of learned colleagues, will dip into the world of Text Talk. What the hell is it, what does it mean, and who can be bothered.

I firstly have to admit that I am not a habitual user of these abbreviations. In fact it is only recently that I began to understand some of it. Unfortunately this meant that I had been using some of these abbreviations incorrectly for a period of time, resulting in several people not returning my messages.  The most embarrassing incident (which led me to Google some of the terms) was when responded to a writers forum request from a lady who was interested in corresponding with mature internet literary forum members from remote outback farming locations. My reply was” that I was also looking for a MILF..ROFL if you want a casual session occasionally..” shortly after that I was blocked from that site.

So, to avoid embarrassment, and possible litigation in the future, I have decided to investigate the culture of text abbreviations. OMG, did I make some discoveries (see, I can do it)

Back in the day, we used to have some of these in the language, but we used to call them acronyms. There were SNAG’s, DINK’s,  SOB’s, and SWF’s. You could tell someone to POQ and they wouldn’t bother you, and we were proud of our ANZACS and former POW’s. All of these were usually used in sentences that contained regular full words. For a full and colourful explanation of how this has taken over our correspondence, I needed someone on the cutting edge of modern Culture. Unfortunately I couldn’t find anyone, so Frank No Pants explained it to me as follows;

“the origin of the text message comes from the need to send so much information as quickly as possible, which wasn’t actually a need until everyone got mobile phones and decided that they were so damn important that they needed to be messaging as many people as possible, as quickly as possible, and all the time having nothing to say that was so important that the previous 100 years of human communication hadn’t worried about coming up with a solution to the problem. And because most of these people could only rely on their thumbs to accurately hit the keys, the process would be too slow if complete words were to be used. So the SNERT’s (Snotty Nosed Egotistical Rotten Teenagers) started shortening and abbreviating everyday words. Although mostly annoying, especially when they creep into spoken conversations, there are a few examples that I found that are worth using.

ACORN –A Completely Obsessed Really Nutty...

FBKS – Failure Between Keyboard and Seat

IMAO – In My Arrogant Opinion

NASCAR – Non Athletic Sport Centred Around Rednecks

WOMBAT – Waste Of Money, Brains, And Time

ROR – Raffing Out Roud (Scooby Doo Language)

This is all actually true. YCMTSU! AFDN I will be ALOL when I find that I was LSHITIPAL, so I PIMPL (If I wore pants, that is).

And not all efforts are suitable in conveying the message in the correct manner. For example, See You Later Alligator works as CYLA...but See you Next Tuesday will not translate as well. This is a language that continues to evolve, but like most modern the users will be judged as a Fad Actually Guiding a Generation Of Tosspot Students. On that note, I have an appointment with my BOB, so I’ll TTYL...”

As usual, Frank got me and Numnuts thinking. What are future generations going to think of this language of the 21^st century? Will it be looked on as a quirky bi-product of the time, to be ridiculed in sitcoms of the future like has happened to the sixties. Will Generation Text still be messaging each other in 50 years as they are today? Well, if they are they will need some adaptations to the current words.

WOL – Wheeze Out Loud

BBFF – Best Between Four and Five

WROFL – Wheelchair Rolls On the Floor Laughing

FML – Filled My Lycra

WTF – Where’s The Food..it’s past 4.30

SFO – Soft Food only

CTN – Call The Nurse

WAMIP – Where Are My Incontinent Pads

CYTMH – Can You Take Me Home

And for the dementia sufferers

WMNA – What’s My Name Again

NFED – New Friends Every Day

I suppose some of us will continue to seem ridiculous in our pursuit of correct spelling, and thanks to spell check and other technology we can all seem much cleverer than we could ever hope to be. Of course, I am not the first to question how our language has been turned upside down by new meanings to favourites. I have attempted to add a link to an educational youtube video from Ronnie Corbett which deals with the same topic.

http://youtu.be/kAG39jKi0lI

What does it all mean? BMADAITY

And so I end, and I tell yer fer why.

DB

To Sue with love – Legal Fleagles

Dear Numnuts,

Let me just say straight up that I know nothing about Lawyers or the legal system, which means the following blog is about educating both of us. I apologize if any of the information is not accurate or up to date, but I have researched the topic the best way I can with my usual sources. For further information on why I would attempt this, best you read my introductory article from a few weeks ago.

It seems that we all need legal representation at some stage, and are constantly reminded of this. But what sort of lawyer do you need? Do you really need one, or like exploratory bowel surgery, can you just do it yourself? Do solicitors spend their time soliciting, and does that mean they are similar to prostitutes? They must be covered by the same employment award as the pay rates are similar. Do Barristers hang out in bars, or on stairs? Does a Queens council represent anyone, or just Drag Artists? How many of them are named Sue and can sing a Johnny Cash song?

I have a contact called Demented Kitty who will probably provide full and comprehensive answers to the questions posed, but until then we refer back to our source, Frank No Pants. He was very eager to help out, and although he spoke very quickly (mumbling something about trying something on for size) I was able to learn the following;

Legal representatives are a part of everyday life in the modern age. You are told to “get a lawyer”, “talk to my lawyer”, and “you’ll hear from my lawyer”. Therefore it can be concluded that Lawyers are like Arses – everyone has one and tends to talk through them when they want to sound important. To understand the role of today’s modern Lawyer you need to watch a lot of TV. Therefore all legal representatives are intelligent, attractive, well spoken Sociopaths who work 25 hours a day, have dysfunctional families who they regularly have to represent, and wear nice shoes.

Legal representatives work for large and small companies, and sometimes open their own businesses called Practices. With lots of time spent practicing, they will eventually have a Firm, and the more associates that help them will eventually give them a Large Firm with a massive name and a large pleasure boat (although they still have small feet). A lot of them wear suits, file suits, and all talk about a girl they once knew called Sue.

So now we have some idea what lawyer are, and feel a lot more comfortable talking about them. But do we have enough of them? If we all need one, do we have to make sure we have one close at all times? More research was needed into how many Lawyers there are, and what were the government doing about controlling their numbers. Do we need to bring more in to the country?

Under the FOI act, and via Wikileaks, Frank No Pants has provided me with details of a plan that was devised to ensure Lawyers did not go the way of the Cane Toads and Rabbits if they were selectively introduced into the natural habitat, and the effects of a population explosion.

The Clusterfuche Project

A social experiment was set up on a remote property in North Eastern Victoria to test how a large group of Lawyers in a controlled environment would affect the environment. This was set up under the cover story of shooting a documentary for SBS, but was actually a government contract to address the potential spread of introduced species. The Clusterfuche Project (as it was known) placed 200 Lawyers, Solicitors, Barristers, and Conveyance Specialists in a large climate controlled Perspex dome for 12 months and their interactions were observed.

Needless to say, the Boffins observing were forced to abandon the project after two months, as the subjects were yet to decide how they were going to survive, and had taken injunctions out against each other so that no further discussions could be held on the subject. Although all food and amenities were provided, the participants were deteriorating to the point that they were openly stating that they were learning a lot from reality TV, and that Justin Bieber was a musical genius.

In response, the Boffins decided to ask them to abandon the site. The lawyers dutifully refused as they believed they were contractually bound to see the project through to completion, or at least until the next season of Jersey Shore had been shown with Justin Bieber making a guest appearance. The Boffins then had no other option but to limit their primary coping instincts, and therefore degenerating their cerebral cortex, by cutting off the life support and driving them out.

This did not take long, but not before irreparable damage had been done to the participants, who all left singing “Good Ol’ Collingwood Forever”.

The only positive outcome from the failed project was a children’s book written by one of the Boffins early in the project called “Jack, Spot, and Sue the Vet”. Here is an excerpt.

See Jack Run

See Spot Run

Jack Sees Sue

Sue Sees Spot

Spot Bites Sue

Run Spot Run

Sue Gives Spot a Shot

Jack Sues Sue

And so on.

So, once again Frank No Pants has shone a dim light on a shadowy subject, and we are all the better for it. I will update this article with any corrections from Demented Kitty, if of course there is any need for corrections.

And so, I tell yer fer why

DB

Virtual Proctology 101 - The Facebook Enema

Dear Numnuts,

Over the past week I have had several kind readers contact me and ask “Why the Semi-Qualified Proctologist?” They then go on to say that I owe them money; I should do something creative with my time, and for all of our sake increase your medication.

So why do I consider myself a Semi-Qualified Proctologist?

Well, when you have dealt with as many arseholes over the past 25 years as I have, you would have to be at least Semi-Qualified. My friends and relatives with medical backgrounds will be divided to whether this is a serious issue that needs to be reported to a government authority of some sort, or whether he is just being “like that” again and what good would a government agency do anyway (for crap sake we work for one, we should know)….and so on.

In order to give some credibility to my claim let me present the following essay;

The Facebook Enema – Keeping Your Friends Close, And Your Enemas Closer

There are times when we peruse through the pages of a social network site like Facebook and wonder out loud “What the hell is wrong with these people?” Why do I need to know that they feel like a sandwich? Since when is it important to know why I am at the shopping centre, how many pairs of socks I just bought, and why I now regret going to the shopping centre in the first place because I didn’t really need the socks at all and now I can’t afford to buy the marshmallows I have just seen in another aisle and cannot possibly go another minute without telling everyone I know how much I need them….Enough!

A purging of the source of this material is sometimes in order, or what I call The Facebook Enema. Take a moderate dose of reality and think “How many of these people would I be happy to stand next to as they said these things” and “How many of these people would I be tempted to fake a major need for toilet, just to get away from when they drone on about these things”.

Those that fall into the second category may need to be removed, so boldly remove them from the virtual friends you subscribe to. This is the only enema known to be successful by blocking.

I felt that I needed to know more about the psychology of making virtual friendships with people who annoy you in real life, but suddenly become necessary in the on-line community. I consulted an expert in this field, Frank No Pants, and with a moderate size glass of Wild turkey at the ready; I have learned the following.

The need to engage with vast numbers of people that you barely know via the internet is a primitive one, and directly related to the obsession we have had with the shiny objects in the night sky. This combination of Astrology and Astronomy is called Astrologonomy, or Star-gawking. Although this may sound like nonsense, it encompasses why we desire to look at the stars, be with the stars, take candid photos of them on their holidays and sell them to magazines, and all the time wonder about how much time we spend obsessing over them. This is the Time/Space continuum.

The planets are largely to blame for the way Virtual friends behave on Facebook. Put simply, Bars are from Mars, Jupiter is a casino on the Gold Coast, and Saturn provides high quality bed linen for major retail outlets so therefore most status updates on Facebook come from Uranus.

Scientists from The Clusterfuche Institute in North Eastern Victoria are currently working on the origin of the self-actualization derived from posting such pointless updates, and it’s correlation to the orbit of the 13^th planet Clymaxo Minor. After several years of telling themselves that they knew what they were doing with the heavenly bodies, these scientists stumbled onto this one afternoon by mistake during a game of Spin the Test Tube.

 The discovery of Clymaxo Minor gave them an enormous feeling of self importance for several minutes before the euphoria passed and they all felt like taking a nap. The same feeling of self importance is obtained when you tell all of your virtual friends that your eye hurt when you stuck your finger into it, and they “like“ it. The person now feels good about regularly doing boring things, which leads to self actualization. Therefore they don’t have to get a real life.

So once again Frank No Pants has been able to take what is essentially one of the more difficult questions facing today’s generation, and simplify it. I will now post on Facebook how happy I am about learning this, and how I wish I had a Mars Bar right now.

And so, I tell yer fer why.

DB

Wordy Wordy Num Nums – word verification

Dear Numnuts,

A very smart person commented on my toe-dipping into the world of Blog, with the suggestion that we should find out more about the “give way” sign at the bottom of each post – The Word Verification. Obviously my first reaction was ….the word what???

It was only after returning to the site to add a comment to someone else’s work that I noticed this annoying little feature. What is it for? Who put it there? Why is it so? Is there a glass and a half of full cream dairy milk in each 200 gram block? I would have to investigate.

If you type this into a search engine, you will come up with thousands of articles on the subject. When you go to log a comment on any of these, it asks for word verification. And if, like me, you have difficulty deciphering the combination of letters and numbers, you won’t be able to leave that comment, ask that question, or do anything productive for the next six minutes because you have to wipe the spit off the screen for all of the cursing that you have done because of the damn word verification…

So I called another very smart person who knows about such things, and asked for a brief explanation.

This person (let’s call him “Frank No Pants”) explained the concept to me. Unfortunately I couldn’t understand very much of it as I was bored within 25 seconds and starting to think about how much beer was in the fridge. What I can remember roughly translates like this;

Word verification is called CAPTCHA and is designed by people with glasses and Star Wars t-shirts to try to prove that they are smarter than computers. People in X Files t-shirts with poor social skills (called Hackers) have already figured this out so it is pointless.  So if the human user gets the code wrong they cannot progress to say what they wanted to say and this decision is made by a computer which generated the scribble in the first place…and so it goes around. The Star Wars t-shirt people are constantly trying to outsmart the X Files t-shirt people, who probably live in the same filthy unit as each other and in the meantime neither has a real girlfriend. Apparently you don’t need word verification to get to porn on the internet.

Frank No Pants was not helpful really, but he gave me the email of a local guy who writes these things. The correspondence went as follows;

Darcy Barkers - Can you explain why you make these codes?

CAPTCHA Nerd – To mess with your head..

So that only told me that half of these guys were kids that grew up cutting letters out of the newspapers and creating  messages with them, while the others become kidnappers and magazine editors.

Now I have labored long and hard over this word verification issue, and come to the conclusion that it is here to stay so I’m going to have to adapt, evolve, and learn how to read them. Thankfully for you, dear Numnuts, I have trained myself to do this, and you can too by following these simple steps;

1.       When confronted with a word verification window, go to the kitchen and get a bottle of Wild Turkey
2.       Drink two double shots and put on some loud music, preferably The Doors
3.       Take a permanent marker and inhale the fumes gently up the left nostril, while carefully pouring another Wild Turkey with your right hand
4.       Toss down the third shot and try to put the lid on the marker with one hand. This will give the Wild Turkey enough time to work
5.       After you drop the marker on the floor the second time, slowly haul yourself up to the level of the desk and lay your head on said desk approximately 45 cm from the screen
6.       Stare at the screen for 15 seconds without blinking and the word verification code will start to become clear.

      7.  Type the code in as required. If you get it wrong, return to step 2 

Note: If you start seeing little purple goblins dancing around the edge of the computer screen, you have probably left the lid off the marker too long, or forgotten to blink.

I have found that it is easier to have a friend assist with the typing in of the code as this will stop you developing a serious drinking problem.

So there you have it – word verification explained and solved for all of us.

 I will finish by saying that if half way through reading this little story of mine you paused, typed word verification into the search engine of your web browser, and started trying to find out the background to this test, then get up now and put on a Star Wars T-shirt, eat some cold pizza for breakfast and let some fresh air into your room…you deserve it.

Now it is done, an I tell you fer why….

DB

Before you read any further........

Dearest Numnuts,

Before you read anything I will ever post on this blog, you need to know some basic rules;

• I may say something occasionally that will offend some people
• I may contradict myself in the next paragraph in order to be absurd
• I have this inside voice which, no matter how hard I try will come out occasionally (read regularly)
• I like saying things that offend some people, but in fairness I try to insult everyone equally
• I will deny having written anything in this blog that offends, as I have obviously been hacked
• And finally, where possible, the names and places have been changed to protect the identity of stupid people. Of course, this is a pointless exercise as Stupid people have a way of identifying themselves without my help

Usually this blog would be best described as written by a rambling fool, and probably not the place to go for life coaching. Over time you will discover why I am a semi-qualified proctologist, what darcybarkers are, and why I talk to my dog and cats. There may be points of view on topical subjects, and anything sensible will have SERIOUS ALERT posted in the title.

There may be old stuff some of you have read before, probably not for a while so you have forgotten most of it like I have.

And, of course, you can comment on anything I have put here as I appreciate the time the reader has taken to do this, and I have seen how I can delete comments if I wish.

Finally, I address all Blog postings to Numnuts. Well, Philip Adams used to talk to Gladys on LNL, so my conversations will be addressed to Numnuts. As seen on Alias Smith and Jones, it will be an idiot who knows everything talking to an idiot who knows nothing.

'An' so I tell you for why'

DB